There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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