Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Randomize
