A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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