Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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