I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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