Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I could make wine with my vomit
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
