The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
