I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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