I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
