I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
