He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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