i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
