she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
