i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
