remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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