The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
