i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
