my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sext me about skeletons
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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