you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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