Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
