two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Who put my cat in the fridge?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
