Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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