when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We just shotgunned beers for America
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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