i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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