i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
