Where is the hickey?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
