I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
