My first STD was from a foam party
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
