after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
