I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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