3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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