Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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