I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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