We're facebook friends in real life
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize