I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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