Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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