Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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