I hate your face
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
