she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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