so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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