The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize