you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's never too late to be topless.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
