captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
