i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
