So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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