I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
