some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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