There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
