It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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