you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
