we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
3pm strippers are depressing
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
