Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
