tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
