Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
