yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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