I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
did i walk over a car last night?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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