i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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